Archive for writing

Unnecessary Sequels

Posted in Nothing Really with tags , , , , , , on 1 October, 2008 by Ally

It was recently announced that Artemis Fowl author Eoin Colfer is writing a sixth book in Douglas Adams’ Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy series, entitled And Another Thing… Also, my friend Den just linked me to an article regarding a potential sequel to Blade Runner. The rumours on that one have thankfully been debunked, but it got me thinking about other potential unwelcome sequels:

Citizen Kane II: Raising Kane
After being raised from the dead by a Voodoo priest, Charles Foster Kane goes on a murderous rampage in a desperate attempt to find Rosebud. He still won’t tell anyone what exactly Rosebud is though.

To Kill Another Mockingbird
Scout, who has grown up to be a lawyer, defends a man accused of killing a mockingbird.

Kiss Me Deadly II: Hammer and Tongs
Hardboiled private eye Mike Hammer undergoes extensive surgery to remove a pair of barbecue tongs from his digestive system.

Duck Soup: A Second Helping
Freedonia is under strain from the “Credit Crunch”, after Harpo spreads the economy on a cracker and eats it. There’s only one thing to do; 75% of the population must be culled. Will Zeppo be first against the wall?

On another note, the new Ben Folds album is deeply disappointing.

It’s Something To Do, Isn’t It?

Posted in writing with tags , , , , , , on 26 September, 2008 by Ally

I’ve been feeling musically uninspired recently, so I’ve decided to take up a new hobby. I downloaded a demo version of Final Draft, so I’m currently learning how to a) use it, and b) write a script. All on me lonesome. I’m using the Douglas Adams method of starting at the beginning and writing backwards. That is, writing a bit and then fine-tuning that bit until I’ve got less than I started with. I can only write fifteen pages until I have to upgrade to the full version anyway.

I’m indulging myself with an old-fashioned film noir parody, full of vaguely-defined grotesques and screwballs. I like the opening, with the police investigating the murder of glamorous dancer Miquita Mouse. (How terrible is that pun?!) Then they call in the incompetent Private Eye (how original) when they find his business card on her; “Criminals collared / Jewellery returned / Shoes shined.” I don’t know whether to write a deliberately incomprehensible story, or actually plan something out that works. I guess I don’t know how to plan something properly, so a headfuck noir it is!

I need a better name for my PI character though. I was looking at my walls, at the Eric Dolphy album and Orson Welles picture. So Eric Welles will have to do for now. It’s better than Orson Dolphy at any rate! I had been thinking some kind of tool for his surname, like Sam Spade or Mike Hammer… But Johnny Trowel just sounds shit.

An Open Letter to Catrina, Telephone Operative

Posted in Nothing Really, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 24 September, 2008 by Ally

Dear Catrina,

You telephoned me today from Apple, the illustrious computer company. You told me the warantee on my MacBook was coming to an end, and wondered if I would like to sign up for the AppleCare protection plan. This would protect my computer for two years, which is a long time for a dog. I told you that I would indeed like to sign up for the AppleCare protection plan, but that I would need to transfer some money into the appropriate bank account before proceeding with the transaction. You said that was fine, and that you would set up my AppleCare account in the meantime.

Transferring money into the appropriate bank account took thirty seconds at most, but I did not inform you for fear that it would distract you from setting up my AppleCare account. Evidently setting up my AppleCare account was also a short-lived chore, and we both made the very same mistake. I sat and listened to the distant voices in your call centre, while you listened to me occasionally clearing my throat. It didn’t even help when you got cut off and had to call back, you merely apologised and the silence resumed.

I can only apologise for wasting twenty minutes of your precious time, each of us waiting for the other to break the silence. I was mortified when I realised you were waiting for me, but I bore the brunt of that revelation to save you from similar embarrassment. I look forward to my computer spontaneously combusting, about one year from now. At least that way I can make the most of my AppleCare protection plan. And when that time comes, if you are dealt the misfortune of handling me and my awkward ways again, I hope you can forgive me.

Yours apologetically,
Mr. Craig

Ideas, Reviuku and Updates

Posted in Nothing Really with tags , , , , , , , , , , on 23 September, 2008 by Ally

Firstly, a couple of reviuku (haiku reviews).

At the Circus
The great Marx Brothers
In a not-so-great movie
With sporadic mirth

Sullivan’s Travels
Preston Sturges says;
“Laughter, that’s all some folks have”
But then offers more

Secondly, another idea for a line in the screwball comedy I’ll never get around to making.

X: Haven’t I seen you someplace before?
Y: Maybe it was at the Natural History Museum…
X: That’s it! Were you a tour guide or an exhibit?

Thirdly, I’ve been writing a script with my friend Dan. He did most of the nitty-gritty actual work, I just injected some extra jokes. He submitted it to a Channel 4 talent comepetition, and it has been shortlisted as one of five pieces of comedy writing – one of twenty categories, so there’s one hundred entrants overall. The other four shortlisted comedy writers are published professionals, which is funnier in itself than anything anyone could ever have written.

The Tragic Tale of an Amateur Poet

Posted in Nothing Really with tags , , , , on 12 September, 2008 by Ally

There once was a girl from Kentucky
Whose poetry was really sucky
No words were spelt right
The structure was shite
And the worst thing was it didn’t even rhyme

During the course of this story it will become clear that I have no life. It will also become clear that I am far too polite in the presence of people I dislike, and far too cruel once they’ve gone and left me alone. Nonetheless, I present to you this story as a warning, a parable if you will. I call it –

The Tragic Tale of an Amateur Poet;
and the horrible snob with too much time on his hands.
Continue reading

Very Punny

Posted in Nothing Really with tags , , , , , on 11 September, 2008 by Ally

It is my ambition to write an old-fashioned screwball comedy full of puns, pratfalls and self-imposed censorship. It’s a pointless exercise when you could just watch an old Cary Grant film or something, but it would be fun for me. And only me. Here is a pun I’m saving for my forthcoming screwball comedy:

Sorry I’m late, I crashed my car at the hospital.
Yeah, I backed myself into a coroner.