Archive for the writing Category

It’s Something To Do, Isn’t It?

Posted in writing with tags , , , , , , on 26 September, 2008 by Ally

I’ve been feeling musically uninspired recently, so I’ve decided to take up a new hobby. I downloaded a demo version of Final Draft, so I’m currently learning how to a) use it, and b) write a script. All on me lonesome. I’m using the Douglas Adams method of starting at the beginning and writing backwards. That is, writing a bit and then fine-tuning that bit until I’ve got less than I started with. I can only write fifteen pages until I have to upgrade to the full version anyway.

I’m indulging myself with an old-fashioned film noir parody, full of vaguely-defined grotesques and screwballs. I like the opening, with the police investigating the murder of glamorous dancer Miquita Mouse. (How terrible is that pun?!) Then they call in the incompetent Private Eye (how original) when they find his business card on her; “Criminals collared / Jewellery returned / Shoes shined.” I don’t know whether to write a deliberately incomprehensible story, or actually plan something out that works. I guess I don’t know how to plan something properly, so a headfuck noir it is!

I need a better name for my PI character though. I was looking at my walls, at the Eric Dolphy album and Orson Welles picture. So Eric Welles will have to do for now. It’s better than Orson Dolphy at any rate! I had been thinking some kind of tool for his surname, like Sam Spade or Mike Hammer… But Johnny Trowel just sounds shit.

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An Open Letter to Catrina, Telephone Operative

Posted in Nothing Really, writing with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on 24 September, 2008 by Ally

Dear Catrina,

You telephoned me today from Apple, the illustrious computer company. You told me the warantee on my MacBook was coming to an end, and wondered if I would like to sign up for the AppleCare protection plan. This would protect my computer for two years, which is a long time for a dog. I told you that I would indeed like to sign up for the AppleCare protection plan, but that I would need to transfer some money into the appropriate bank account before proceeding with the transaction. You said that was fine, and that you would set up my AppleCare account in the meantime.

Transferring money into the appropriate bank account took thirty seconds at most, but I did not inform you for fear that it would distract you from setting up my AppleCare account. Evidently setting up my AppleCare account was also a short-lived chore, and we both made the very same mistake. I sat and listened to the distant voices in your call centre, while you listened to me occasionally clearing my throat. It didn’t even help when you got cut off and had to call back, you merely apologised and the silence resumed.

I can only apologise for wasting twenty minutes of your precious time, each of us waiting for the other to break the silence. I was mortified when I realised you were waiting for me, but I bore the brunt of that revelation to save you from similar embarrassment. I look forward to my computer spontaneously combusting, about one year from now. At least that way I can make the most of my AppleCare protection plan. And when that time comes, if you are dealt the misfortune of handling me and my awkward ways again, I hope you can forgive me.

Yours apologetically,
Mr. Craig